so I survived today again. I can't think of a single day I got past without crying ever since you told me that you wanted to "take things slow". I really don't understand what did you mean by that. I know you've always made it clear that we are not officially together, but come to think of it, all that staying up waiting for each other, making travel plans even to Maldives and Brazil and climb mountains and doing adventurous stuff and fulfilling each other's wanderlust, thinking of and missing each other, trying so hard to get out of our countries just to see each other, updating each other about our lives, do they mean nothing at all? all this time spent "together", do you feel nothing at all? granted you may feel pressured because I text you to death, I apologise for driving you up against the wall when all I did was to worry for you and trying to show some concern for you. I tried my best to bridge the distance between us. I may not be able to do anything about the physical distance, but I swear with my life I'm really trying hard. finding out how to get a sponsorship visa, looking for jobs just so I can go for interview when I go over, I'm really trying my level best. and each time I think about our plans to go Mount Buller, whale shark diving, great barrier reefs, warming your bed, cleaning your home, cooking you dinner, washing your clothes, shopping for your home, it all feels so perfect. how did everything reduce to such state in such a short span of time?
I didn't do anything wrong, except to wear my heart on my sleeve. so how did you do it so well, to leave all these behind so readily, so determinedly?
you finally replied to your "I'm so sorry", only saying you're fine and there was something wrong with your phone yesterday so you couldn't make any calls. so what exactly happened? why the suddenly apology? even if you met someone new, I think I have the right to know too. wouldn't you be a little fairer to me? wouldn't you spare a thought for me too? did you say "slow things down" because you realise sometimes you feel lonely and I'm not there for you? but haven't you realised I crave intimacy too and it's clinging to the hope of seeing you soon that's keeping me going? did you say "I'm so sorry" because you felt awful and went drinking and had a one night stand with some random girl you barely remember and feel guilty? save me all this guessing please. it's really driving me insane I don't know how long I can take this for.
I saw a future with you. I never did with anyone else. all I felt was happiness and love when I was with other guys, but I never thought of the future with them. but it's really different with you. so why this? I'm aching so bad I think I'm about to forget to breathe.
-Joyce
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