27.04.2013

haven't written here for some time. pretty much just busy studying and thinking of you. I really miss you so bad I ran out of emotions to describe. recently met up with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. he says I have a blank look on my face, and I didn't used to be like this. I wish I can feel alive again.

quite a few people have been telling me I don't really open up. im like a book they cant read and it takes a lot a lot a lot of effort to get into my little world. I don't remember myself being like this. I feel like something in my died. I wish I had you with me. I really miss you a lot.

all the plans we made are killing me softly. im trying so hard not to forget the little memories we have. I don't want us to be reduced to only memories. I wish we had something more than this.

ive been applying jobs in Melbourne. this feels crazy. who knows when im there you may not even want to look at me anymore. but I believe it's worth the try. I just have to take the leap of faith. been getting too many rejections, but i'll continue trying. I wish you were here with me, but im sure i'll do this.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

22.04.2013

today I miss you.

21.04.2013

today I went for adex. while waiting for friends at bay front mrt I can't stop thinking of you. how it was where we arranged to meet, and everything just continued to blossom. If given a choice I'll do it all over again because you're worth it. you're worth me trying and failing over and over again. you're this addictive.

went for quick drinking session with friends too. really wished you were here. almost blacked out the moment I stood up from the mrt, such a hard time crossing the road to get a cab, felt so terrible walking up to my room. worst was getting stuck in the toilet trying to puke and fixing my splitting head. I wish you were here.

I miss you so bad I feel zoned out. it's like I'm dead inside. I need you to make me feel alive. I almost can't breathe anymore.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

20.04.2013

random text from you "like your fb status" and I went through this emotion roller coaster I felt so awful.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

19.04.2013

took me so much contemplation to send you this.

"this is exactly what I mean by waking up feeling like an auntie. "

except I'm not getting any reply.
I wish you knew.
-Joyce

18.04.2013

today I asked a friend "what does your dad do" and the reply I got was "I have no dad". I felt bad. I felt awful. I did something stupid. I'm reminded of you. I miss you and I don't want us to become just a memory. what can I do?

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

17.04.2013

more job applications today, I just want to go over now. I'm taking this giant leap of faith for us, so please tell me it's worth it.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

16.04.2013

today I miss having ice cream with you in the pool. I miss talking to you as I walk to the bus stop after school. I miss you so bad.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

15.04.2013

i need you in my life to make me feel alive. I wish that one day I can call you up and tell you I got myself a job in Melbourne. I hope that you'll still me mine to call.

I miss you and I wish you knew.
-Joyce

14.04.2013

today I went for a BBQ after school with Gary (you know him? from Phs one). it was with his colleagues at this nice little condo. would you be throwing bbqs at your new place too? inviting friends and colleagues over, chatting over food, playing your boys games... I wish I could be there too, meet your friends and show them how good I really am.

and I finally decided to text you about seeing someone who looked like you in the train. it's really heartbreaking to see us reduced to this state.

I wonder if you miss me like I do.
-Joyce

13.04.2013

today I miss you so bad it felt painful physically.

12.04.2013

today I finally sent out my resumes to Australian job search sites. hopefully I land a job in Melbourne, get a sponsorship visa and all our worries will be unfounded. please, wait for me.

and you're going sydney in 35 days. sigh pie go holiday never tell me :( but who am I to ask anyway. will you eventually still tell me?

went for this culinary event called Savour today. I think you'll like it. it's really fun! had the most life changing pasta ever. it's like fly to heaven kinda pasta. and there was a lot of cooking demonstrations and food samples hahahha you sure like. went with my friend called Cloud. then I realised how wrong a choice it was. he put my photo as his phone wallpaper wtf?! and when we were walking he like will touch my waist sometimes like say "eh walk here" then I thought he was just being polite then at the train station before we parted he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. WHAT. THE. FUCK. life is so wrong on so many levels.

I wish you knew baby. I wish you were here.

oh and I saw someone who looked a lot like you in the train. like I was stunned for 2 minutes heart stopped a little. gosh how much I miss you.

-Joyce

11.04.2013

today you texted me and we vibered for awhile. I was so so so overwhelmed. it really felt so good to hear your voice again. I couldn't help but tear a little. you asked if I've been crying everyday. I really wanted to tell you how much I've been missing you. I think about you all the time. do you think of me too? do you put me in a little corner of your mind? I really miss you sooo much I can feel the pain perpetually. it's like everything reminds me of you. something I eat, somewhere I go, even clothes I wear. this is so painful, so tough. how're you coping with this?

you changed your cover photo to your diving photo. do you miss the times we had? although we didn't actually have a lot of time together, there was a connection, wasnt there? I'm seriously looking for jobs in Melbourne, please don't make me regret my choice.

I wish you know.
-Joyce

10.04.2013

so my period came today. I was so worried because it was late for few days. what should I do if................. I guess it doesn't matter anymore now. the sad thing is I can't tell you about my cramps and you won't be saying things to make me feel better. I wish you were here, really.

miss you so bad I wish you knew.

-Joyce

09.04.2013

i re-read the last texts we exchanged and I realised your bed and sofa have arrived. that bed you planned for me to warm, the couch we planned to cuddle in. I wish I can still rent that space in your bed. I wish you were still mine to call. I really miss you.

-Joyce

08.04.2013

exactly one month ago I came back from samui. I was sad having to leave you, perhaps even depressed. I was lonely and empty. I think this is what people call separation issues. but I know we were working towards making this work. so I was hopeful and tried to be positive. we made so many plans, for your new place, for me going over, for our future. little did I expect that we were not working towards a common goal, the same future. I've tried to do everything as right as possible, only to realise it's wrong right from the start to fall in love with you. I made compromises and sacrifices, only to have them look back and laugh at my naive thinking. I kept my evenings and nights free just to spend better quality time on the phone with you. never for once did you leave my mind, sadly you were putting me out of your life. it didn't even occur gradually. there was no warning, I didn't see a sign. you dropped the bomb onto me I felt so broken inside. I wish I had told you about this page earlier, but I guess this is what people say lost chance will never return. you're so special you made me feel special. I really want us to work out so please, I hope that one day you'll wake up and realise that I'm all you ever wanted. I want to be The One you think about before bed and when you wake up. I want to put a smile on your face and be the first person you turn to when things go wrong. I want to be yours.

I wish you knew.
-Joyce

07.04.2013

today I mustered what felt like courage to text you first.

"hapz_boy_87 how's Taiwan snacks with mama she must be super happy her photos finally appearing on your page haha" - I didn't want to lose the little connection we had between us, but it just feels like we're growing further and further apart. is this really the end of us? is it really impossible?

I miss you. so badly. I wish you knew.

06.04.2013

how's the weekend coming along? did you do more furniture shopping? are you starting the moving in already? today I miss you a little more. so my heart ached a little.

daddy's going Korea today. before sending him to the airport we went for dinner. and how unfortunate, our dinner place was few doors away from Colin's friend's shop. so they saw me and I flustered a bit. just sat in the car didn't dare look at them. I wish you were here to deal with this with me.

oh how naive, I'm going to the airport now. one month ago we were so happy in samui, prolly snuggling away in bed? or doing massage somewhere. now I'm going back to the airport again, alone, with a heart heavier than ever. before this I was thinking about what kind of mood I'll have. the few moments of us I held onto so dearly, and the airport was where we last met, where we had our first serious talk, where we tried to make sense of our feelings, where we kissed goodbye. who'd have known it'd be the last of us.

did I cause my own downfall? you asked if I wanted you to do all the bookings and reservations so that I'll feel more secure and confident about you, about us. I turned down the idea because I don't want you to make rash decisions, I don't want us to do the wrong thing. because I was confident we were able to do better than that. little did I expect we would have turned out this way. if I had insisted, would things have turned out differently?

I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss us. but I guess more importantly, I miss myself. I feel like an empty shell now. I don't know who I am.

-Joyce

05.04.2013

Friday and I'm not rushing home for FaceTime date. I'm not worried that I'll be the cause of your lost sleep. I'm not worried to keep you waiting.

but I'm not happy.
I'm not relieved.
I'm not enjoying my slow bus ride.
I'm not even feeling alive.

I miss you. how're you spending your Friday night?

04.04.2013

I kinda stopped thinking of you today. I just studied and got on with my day. I hope it's not the distance that's causing me to feel this way. I'd rather it's because I've grown too numb and too strong to crumble, because this way, I can still preserve whatever little memory I have of us.

today mom was so mad with jordan she broke down. I remember there was once I told you I was keeping mom company too because he was feeling down and you told me to stay with her, and go back to you after she's feeling better. I wish you were still here for me to go back to. I miss you.

03.04.2013

I forgot how I felt today. I think I felt empty.

02.04.2013

so today you decided to text me. and a simple "wassup" was enough to make my day. really. really didn't expect it, so it really caught me off guard. wonder how're you holding up. are you sad like I am? do you find no more motivation for anything anymore? I hope so, because it'll be terrible if you didn't feel anything while here I am feeling like death. and it'd also mean that this thing between us means something to you.

it saddens me that you called in sick and didn't go to work today, because you were feeling lazy. or are you affected by this whole episode? of course I'm no longer in any position to say anything more than "tsk terrible", I wish I was a little more than that.

-Joyce

01.04.2013

i wish you'd tell me everything was just an april's fool's joke, and we'll resume with our countdown and making plans. sadly, life's not always a bed of roses and pink and fluffy. the joke's on me.

when you texted me morninggg I almost cannot believe my eyes. I was happy + confused. so what's happening? and I decided to muster every ounce of courage and approach the painful topic once again.

"anyway I've been thinking a lot since that day when you said we should "slow things down" and I really don't get it. I mean I know you've always said we're not together and it's prolly my expectations of you that broke us down but surely there's something more to us than just being friends. or do you tell all the people around you that you want them to go shopping with you and swim in the pool while waiting for you to end work or even warm your bed for you while you're working? we made so many plans, travel when I go to oz, Maldives, trekking and do adventurous stuff, what happened? I know the future is uncertain but does letting this while thing go really gives you a fuller and happier life? each time I think about us it tears me apart so much. you may say it's always been my one sided feeling since you made things clear right from the start but who the hell travels hours on end just to spend 4 days together? and all those staying up for each other just to viber/ facetime? or are you just nice generally and go this extra mile for everyone? I know I can't be there for you when you just want someone there for you, but I swear I've already tried very hard to bridge the distance between us. I get home early just so to talk to you so that you don't have to lose so much sleep. I tried to encourage you the best I could when work wasn't going well for you and really tried to help you with your interviews, albeit I didn't think I was very helpful anyway. I know all this still doesn't change the fact that we're so far apart and we do feel lonely but have you never thought that I crave intimacy too? I do feel alone and sad too and all I want is to fall into your arms but what keeps me going is counting down each day to be near you. slowly but surely."

"I do too. I just don't see us working out."

"I know I cannot force you to want to be into this whole mess so tell me, what are you feeling now? do you even like me? and everything came so sudden and abrupt what exactly happened?"

"as in how?? we're not in the same place."

"so one day we're just happily making plans and the next day it just dawned upon you that we're not working out? that's it?

"it's always at the back of my mind that we can't be in a relationship as long as we're separate. as in i'm very certain I don't want that. I guess at the very start you're really pretty and I wanted to get to know you. but it just got better and I couldn't stop myself but I realised what i'm doing, and didn't want to keep dragging you down with me. so I kinda want to just keep a friendly relationship now so we'll somehow keep in touch until the future who knows."

"okay then guess that's the best solution but if you find a new girl must tell me okay. if she's not as good as me then too bad your loss oops. but if she's really that good then... hmmm I think not that easy oops."

so that pretty summed up my day. I tried to sound as casual as I could, and be the confident me I once was, even though I was aching inside so much it's like something is squeezing my heart and pounding on my head. I was desperate, not for love, but for you. but when you knew me you told me I was feisty, so I had to be that. I hope I did well. through these years of training and heart breaking and crying buckets and breaking down I think I grew really much stronger. I cried a little, the there was no more tears. so I got out of bed and sat at my desk and started studying, as though nothing happened.

I wish you knew.

-Joyce