baby today I miss you terribly. like really really badly. I woke up not knowing what to expect. I don't know what to feel. sad? heartbroken? relieved? liberated? one thing for sure, I feel empty. so empty without you, so lost without knowing what you're doing. it's become a habit for me to look at the time and +3hrs and wonder what you're doing. the difference now is that I no longer have the right to know.
you texted me at 7am your time "I'm so sorry". what does that mean? why are you up so early on a Saturday morning anyway. I got so worried I thought something happened to you. but you didn't reply to my whatsapp/ viber/ even international call. what's happening? I'm so afraid I fb messaged Ricky to ask of you're fine. he said he called you and you sounded okay. did you tell him to say that? or are you really okay? if that's the case why didn't you answer my call?
can I treat all these as just obstacles along the way and continue with my countdown? can I still look forward to seeing you? can I still rent a space in your bed? can I still fall back into your arms? I really miss you.
everything reminds me of you, even though we hardly spent any time together at all. clothes that you said looks good on me, I can't bring myself to wear them. it feels too painful. I never thought of putting myself through such pain again. I don't know how I survived through before, I don't know whether I'll ever feel alive again. this time round I'm really numbed. I can't even compartmentalise my emotions and thoughts anymore because all I feel is a turmoil of pain and hurt and disappointment and lost and heartbreak. I wish I was better than this. I wish we were something more than this.
3 weeks ago we returned from samui. I was sad, depressed, but I wasn't empty. there was a reason why I was hopeful and positive. and you were the reason. so tell me, what does "I'm so sorry" mean?
-Joyce
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