i wish you'd tell me everything was just an april's fool's joke, and we'll resume with our countdown and making plans. sadly, life's not always a bed of roses and pink and fluffy. the joke's on me.
when you texted me morninggg I almost cannot believe my eyes. I was happy + confused. so what's happening? and I decided to muster every ounce of courage and approach the painful topic once again.
"anyway I've been thinking a lot since that day when you said we should "slow things down" and I really don't get it. I mean I know you've always said we're not together and it's prolly my expectations of you that broke us down but surely there's something more to us than just being friends. or do you tell all the people around you that you want them to go shopping with you and swim in the pool while waiting for you to end work or even warm your bed for you while you're working? we made so many plans, travel when I go to oz, Maldives, trekking and do adventurous stuff, what happened? I know the future is uncertain but does letting this while thing go really gives you a fuller and happier life? each time I think about us it tears me apart so much. you may say it's always been my one sided feeling since you made things clear right from the start but who the hell travels hours on end just to spend 4 days together? and all those staying up for each other just to viber/ facetime? or are you just nice generally and go this extra mile for everyone? I know I can't be there for you when you just want someone there for you, but I swear I've already tried very hard to bridge the distance between us. I get home early just so to talk to you so that you don't have to lose so much sleep. I tried to encourage you the best I could when work wasn't going well for you and really tried to help you with your interviews, albeit I didn't think I was very helpful anyway. I know all this still doesn't change the fact that we're so far apart and we do feel lonely but have you never thought that I crave intimacy too? I do feel alone and sad too and all I want is to fall into your arms but what keeps me going is counting down each day to be near you. slowly but surely."
"I do too. I just don't see us working out."
"I know I cannot force you to want to be into this whole mess so tell me, what are you feeling now? do you even like me? and everything came so sudden and abrupt what exactly happened?"
"as in how?? we're not in the same place."
"so one day we're just happily making plans and the next day it just dawned upon you that we're not working out? that's it?
"it's always at the back of my mind that we can't be in a relationship as long as we're separate. as in i'm very certain I don't want that. I guess at the very start you're really pretty and I wanted to get to know you. but it just got better and I couldn't stop myself but I realised what i'm doing, and didn't want to keep dragging you down with me. so I kinda want to just keep a friendly relationship now so we'll somehow keep in touch until the future who knows."
"okay then guess that's the best solution but if you find a new girl must tell me okay. if she's not as good as me then too bad your loss oops. but if she's really that good then... hmmm I think not that easy oops."
so that pretty summed up my day. I tried to sound as casual as I could, and be the confident me I once was, even though I was aching inside so much it's like something is squeezing my heart and pounding on my head. I was desperate, not for love, but for you. but when you knew me you told me I was feisty, so I had to be that. I hope I did well. through these years of training and heart breaking and crying buckets and breaking down I think I grew really much stronger. I cried a little, the there was no more tears. so I got out of bed and sat at my desk and started studying, as though nothing happened.
I wish you knew.
-Joyce
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